The Simpsons - Child Swap
by Philip Glenister tomboy
Summary: As a result of Homer's stupidity involving the Channel 4 Wife Swap directors filming in London, Ralph Wiggum and Bart Simpson end up involved in a terrible mistake, can Bart Simpson ensure his buffoon of a father returns little Ralph back to his beloved parents? Or will he end up wrongly becoming a Simpson?


Plot: Channel 4 run a new prime time reality show, called "Child Swap" that gives parents a chance to try having a different child for two weeks, but what happens when the Simpsons have Ralph Wiggum and the Wiggums have Bart Simpson as a result of a horrible mix up?

This is one of the episodes where DCI Clancy Wiggum has long hair in a 1980s-early 1990s mullet style using his natural jet black colour.

(Scene starts with The Simpsons all sitting on the sofa, except for Bart, who is replaced by Ralph, everyone stares at Ralph and he wets himself then starts crying.)

Ralph Wiggum (crying wetting his nappy sat on sofa): I want my mummy and daddy!

Homer Simpson (angry): I don't know what you want, little Ralph!

Downtown at the Alexandra Palace park, Ralph is playing with his father as other parents and children in the background have picnics.

DCI Clancy Wiggum (chatting up an older teenage girl): Okay! Have £10, go play around the park by yourself; buy yourself an ice-cream and meet me back here!

Ralph Wiggum (playing with other children): I'm a big boy!

DCI Clancy Wiggum: You sure are son!

Ralph Wiggum then wanders off to a sandpit not realising a baby holding a little spade is lying in there with her mother.

Ralph Wiggum (putting sand on mother's dress and over the baby's clothes): My daddy's going to arrest you for sleeping in the sandpit!

DCI Clancy Wiggum (intervening to prevent Ralph kicking sand at the baby): No, Ralphie that's mean! I'm sorry about my Ralphie kicking sand at your baby.

Baby's mother: You should be, as your little boy is kicking sand into my baby! What if it ended up in her bloody eyes? She could go blind!

Constable Clancy Wiggum (removes Ralph): I think you are getting a bit naughty for comfort, Ralphie. Now you sit with Daddy for a while.

Baby's mother: Maybe your little autistic son shouldn't be playing around our babies! If he gets overexcited and one of them gets hurt, I'll sue the (BLEEP) of you, since you work for that Metropolitan cop shop, innit!

Ralph Wiggum (going into Little Dinosaurs soft play while his father is preoccupied with something else): Ooh, a soft play area!

Ralph Wiggum (sensing a leak in his nappy): Uh-oh, a wet juice is coming!

Ralph then toddles to the reception desk asking a question.

Ralph Wiggum (playing with himself): Excuse me, Mrs. Receptionist Lady Person, where are the toilets?  
Receptionist (pointing to toilet doors): The toilets are over there and when you're finished on the potty, you can go to a special playroom!

Ralph Wiggum: My daddy sends me to my room when I'm naughty!

You can just see Ralph stand next to the urinal as he's too little to reach the ordinary adult toilets.

Ralph Wiggum's voice: Hey! There's a strawberry cake in the standy-uppy toilet!

You hear weeing, chewing and swallowing sounds inside the cubicle.

DCI Clancy Wiggum: It's been 61 minutes, where is Ralphie?

Homer Simpson walks past, pretending to help with enquiries.

DCI Clancy Wiggum: Excuse me , could you look for my son? You've seen him before right?

Homer Simpson: I think so, blue shirt? Grey trousers? Wet underwe-

DCI Clancy Wiggum (worrying): Okay, okay you've got the picture now just go find him!

DCI Clancy Wiggum rushes back to his Ford Granada Mk2 Ghia X, it has a mixed bag of 1980s-early 1990s official Ford parts as a reference to the modified look in the Ford accessories brochures of this period.

Eddie sits in the rear shifting through some Polaroid photographs of Ralph Wiggum that Clancy uploaded from the new version of their retro style camera on his computer with some Adobe Photoshop B&W effects.

Eddie: Hey, do those photos of your little boy, ring a bell?

DCI Clancy Wiggum (laughing): Yeah, there's even one of him trick or treating in an Oliver costume last year for Halloween! I'll never forget the amount of sweets he got.

Eddie: In this one he's swinging a Star Wars electronic lightsaber around in a Darth Vader costume as in "Luke I am your father!"

DCI Clancy Wiggum (tapping steering wheel to music): Oh yeah, I grew up around the original Star Wars era of 1977-1985 aged 4-12. I've given some of my old Star Wars toys to Ralphie, but he plays with the action figures only under my close supervision.

Meanwhile DCI Clancy Wiggum drives his 1987 Ford Granada Mk2 with Eddie tagging along. The registration is D33 HMD as shown in the traffic as they drive behind several cars.

DCI Clancy Wiggum (frowning at the thought a stranger has kidnapped his little son): I thought I could innocently let my little Ralphie play with the other children at the Alexandra Palace play park.

Eddie: Some people are obviously (BLEEPED) up, they obviously nick children, while the parent isn't looking. In your case; while you were sat on a bench with your child executing his time-out for being mean to a baby.

DCI Clancy Wiggum (angry as he drives his Ford Granada Mk2): What I am going to tell my wife, Sarah? She'll ask me why I let Ralphie off his reins, in such a busy place like the Ally Pally! I wanted to give him the type of freedom we had as kids to play outside back in the late 1970's-1980s.

Eddie: Just relax, man! Your Ralph will turn up, I'm sure of it. Look why don't I tell your gorgeous missus Sarah what happened?

DCI Clancy Wiggum (on the way to his address): All right. But don't make her cry as she's probably worried sick and having one of her wine 'o clock moments due to the shock of our Ralph get kidnapped.

The Wiggum house is all Laura Ashley style shabby chic, but with a bohemian quality to it.

DCI Clancy Wiggum is texting on his smartphone to see if his Metropolitan Police colleagues and mates can find his young son.

Eddie (twanging the chords on Clancy's electric guitar): Your little boy Ralph has been kidnapped from the Alexandra Palace playground area, by a Mr. Homer J Simpson under enquires while your husband was worrying.

Sarah Wiggum (gasping while holding her wine glass): Oh my god! No this can't be true.

Eddie: Yeah all because Homer duped the receptionist at the Little Dinosaurs soft-play your Ralph wandered off to all on his own because he didn't understand why he mustn't be mean towards the babies.

Sarah Wiggum: I know Ralphie doesn't understand the effects of being mean towards babies and can use some very offensive words towards them with the mums looking. You'd think they'd be more active on supervising their babies better! Rather than leave them around hyped up children playing, 95% per cent of the time those "yummy mummies" ask for it.

Eddie (still twanging the chords on Clancy's electric guitar): Yep.

Sarah Wiggum: I do hope you can find our Ralphie; he's at the Simpsons probably scared, trying to work out why he's with a strange man's family and in a house he doesn't know well.

DCI Clancy Wiggum stands next to the 1972-1987 Raleigh Chopper he has inherited from his father Iggy, who had it since brand new. It was possibly brought at the same time as his '72-'78 Ford Granada Mk1 Ghia or in the later years of it's production during 1980-1987 during the BMX craze.

DCI Clancy Wiggum (angry at Bart Simpson): I wonder what Ralphie is up to? Who are you, what have you done to my very young son?

Bart Simpson: My dad took him back to our house as he was at the Little Dinosaurs soft play area, alone without an adult at Alexandra Palace.

Sarah has been out shopping in the Waitrose supermarket carrying her Paul's Boutique handbag with a yellow "Bag for Life".

Sarah Wiggum (walking past Clancy's Raleigh Chopper Mk2): Who is this strange child?

Bart Simpson: I'm Bart Simpson, the underachiever and proud of it.

Sarah Wiggum (smiling): I've unpacked the shopping and organised it in the kitchen. While I get Bart's things unpacked, you can get cooking on tea.

DCI Clancy Wiggum: (turning the handlebars of his Raleigh Chopper Mk2): Yes dear Sarah. (Walks to kitchen past the lounge room)

(Scene moves to Wiggum kitchen with some very period 1980s gadgets)

Bart Simpson (staring at dining table in lounge): What's with all the wine, the red rose, matching napkins and the Chinese stir-fry? (Sees Clancy with a police issue Motorola in his hand as he arranges the dining table)

DCI Clancy Wiggum (checking presentation and whistles a tune): Well my wife and I like to have a lot of romantic time, when Ralphie's in bed.

DCI Wiggum and his wife Sarah was wearing a green frilly dress with a gold necklace are having a Chinese takeaway together for tea.

Sarah Wiggum (twirling noodles around fork): So how did our little Ralphie get kidnapped in the first place?

DCI Clancy Wiggum (as he eats): Well I wanted to let him play with the other children at the Alexandra Palace play park by himself. Then in the sandpit he rushed in not realising a baby was laying in there, starting to get mean with its mother and kicking the sand into the baby. When I executed his timeout, some teen mums distracted me and Ralphie wandered off to a soft play area in the Ally Pally called Little Dinosaurs, where a stranger lured him away.

Sarah Wiggum (rolling eyes): Oh-no, Clancy! This is why we put Ralphie in reins for his safety. Anyone could have taken him as you were distracted by the sexy teenage mums chat up lines! You're old enough to be their dad.

DCI Clancy Wiggum: I didn't bank on that hot blonde chav with 2 kids under 6 flirting with me while I was seeing to Ralphie, did I?

Sarah Wiggum: Some of them have dodgy pasts and could trap you with kids that aren't even biologically yours. I've seen their sort on the Jeremy Kyle Show on drugs, alcohol, their young kids have special needs as a result of their backgrounds and their children are used mostly as benefit tickets!

DCI Clancy Wiggum (taken aback by his wife Sarah's advice): Wow, but how is this going to get our Ralphie back?

Sarah Wiggum: Our little Ralphie is easily led, very innocent and he'll just go off with anyone. What if he ran into the road from Alexandra Palace?!

A couple of hours later Sarah and Clancy Wiggum are washing up, but then they start having a flirty tease in their kitchen.

Little Dinosaurs Soft Play at Alexandra Palace

(Scene focuses on Homer Simpson watching children in soft play area from a table with abandoned Pombear crisps and apple juice carton boxes)

Homer Simpson is loitering around the main part of Little Dinosaurs Soft Play at Alexandra Palace.

Receptionist: Are you looking for anyone? This is for under 12's only sir.

Homer Simpson: Yes...Um...Hold on…what's his name… um…

Homer's mind: Just say a random name dummy!

Homer Simpson: Um… Yes! Ralph Wiggum!

Receptionist: Ah yes follow me.

Homer's mind: Woo-hoo!

Receptionist: Ralph Wiggum?

Ralph Wiggum (going off with a stranger unaware): Where did Daddy go? Oh here's Mr. Bart's one! I found him Mrs. Lady Person!

Receptionist: Thank-you Ralph.

Homer's mind: What was I supposed to do? Do'h I can't remember! Just think…what did someone say earlier?

Marge's voice is heard: Remember Homer the pie is for Lisa's saxophone solo DON'T EAT IT!

Homer's mind: Nope

Santa's Little Helper's voice: Woof?

Homer's mind: Well obviously not!

Lisa's voice: I was just wondering…am I adopted?

Lisa's voice (echoes): Adopted, adopted, adopted, adopted, okay no more echo, I think you get the idea now!

Homer Simpson: I would like to adopt him please!

(The Simpson house is in the background with Homer's blue 1986-1995 Ford Transit Mk3)

Homer Simpson: Marge, kids I want you to meet the new member of the family…hey where is he?

Ralph is in the Ford Transit Mk3 car peering through the window as usual.

Ralph Wiggum: Mr. Homer daddy, the- there's a door on the car!

Homer opens the left door and lets Ralph Wiggum out.

Ralph Wiggum (panicking saying broke incorrectly): Oh-no, you broked it!

(Scene moves to the Simpsons lounge room with Marge's childminding business "Smiles" Childcare showing on one wall)

Bart Simpson: Ralph Wiggum *groans*

Ralph Wiggum (looks confused): Hello Lisa, Bart and Mrs. Big haired lady.

Hey you've got a Woof monster and a Meow kitty! I played in my meow kitty's sandbox sometimes!

Marge Simpson (confronting Homer): Where did you find him? Does DCI Wiggum know about this?

Homer Simpson: Uh oh! I forgot about him...

Ralph Wiggum (spotting dog mess): The woof monster made chocolate!

Marge Simpson (cleaning carpet): Homer, why did you let the dog poo on the lounge carpet?! What if a small child like Ralph touches it? You should have got your lazy arse off the sofa to put the dog out for his business.

Ralph Wiggum (sees conservatory full of toys): New toys to play with!

(Scene is outside Otto Mann's minibus company with various Ford Transit generations, a Nissan with generic Mercedes Sprinters and Vitos)

Ralph Wiggum: We're going to a field to trip over!

Bart Simpson: Ralph, just leave me alone!

Ralph Wiggum: …Field!

Skinner: Bart, since I can't trust you with Millhouse…

Millhouse Van Houten (groaning): Awwww man...

Headteacher Seymour Skinner: …I'm going to have to pair you up with your little legal brother Ralph.

Ralph Wiggum: Yay! I'm with Bart!

Bart Simpson: *Groan*

Nelson: Haw, haw!

Skinner: Nelson, you are going to have to pair up with Todd Flanders!

Todd: I love you! *Hugs*

Nelson: Haw, haw!

(The school Ford Transit Mk6 minibus with Headteacher Seymour Skinner driving)

Bart Simpson: Hey, Skinner you didn't even tell us where we are going to!

Headteacher Seymour Skinner: We are going to a school trip; I thought you kiddies may find it how you say "Cool" at Longdown Activity Farm.

Bart Simpson: Ralph, you were right!

Ralph Wiggum: …When are we going on the bus Headteachera Skinner?

Headteacher Seymour Skinner: We ARE on the bus!

Ralph Wiggum starts crying loudly about the trip to Longdown Activity Farm.

Bart Simpson: Ralph, why are you crying?

Ralph Wiggum (in tears): Those cows are EVIL, PURE EVIL! (In dark voice)

Bart Simpson: Ralph, those are sheep!

Ralph Wiggum (screaming in his car seat): …Evil cows!

Headteacher Seymour Skinner (trying to drive over Ralph's commotion): Will you be quiet, please Ralph Wiggum? I'm concentrating on driving.

(Scene ends at the Longdown Activity Farm car-park showing other vans and minibuses in the background)

At Longdown Activity Farm in Southampton; Caretaker Willie and Farmer Brian are sworn enemies who then argue heatedly in front of the children, but the school's Scottish caretaker eventually gets his just desserts.

Headteacher Seymour Skinner (watching children roam): We have a season ticket to Longdown so regularly visit. Our children at 2-10 are at a good age to benefit from what the farm has to offer. There are plenty of interactive experiences where young children can hold and feed the animals and a lovely play area. There is also a little soft play for when the weather takes a turn and the cafe is reasonably priced although not the most appealing place to sit in and eat. The only downside is that when it's been quite wet it's very muddy and the ground is very uneven but that's the nature of a farm so just go prepared with wellies!

(Headteacher Seymour Skinner takes Ralph Wiggum to the trampoline barn as hens and ducks flap their wings around Longdown Activity Farm)

Caretaker Willie (in Scottish accent): They had plenty of large trampolines for kids (Young and old) to use, but unfortunately they seemed to do dominated but boisterous kids that were not supervised by their parents (typical). But little did I know that the soft play area would end up so disgustingly filthy!  
It's used for all the kids' parties there and by the looks of it nobody ever even attempts to clean it up. I found dirty underwear (well my daughter found it actually!) half eaten food, food wrappers, used wet wipes & tissue and the dust & hair lying in it is about an inch thick. It's covered in straw and hay & I even found old plasters lying about. Ok it's a farm but please, babies and toddlers play in this so for goodness sake clean it! We know these soft play areas get dirty because of the kids playing in them but "most" places have them cleaned. I looked on the wall but couldn't find any recent certificates of cleanliness although there are old ones up there it seems nobody has cleaned it in the last year or so. If you want to have the soft play area as part of your attraction then it should be maintained properly.  
Recently we went there and the net holding the balls in the ball pool was all ripped. Our pupils love the ball pool so I tied what I could back and spent ages throwing the balls back in so they could play. Even the balls were dirty. It's dirty and ripped & therefore it's unsafe. Kids could get stuck, strangle themselves or anything in the torn netting. I am even thinking about reporting it to the correct authorities surely some government department monitors these places. How they have the cheek to rent it out for private functions I do not know!

Farmer Brian (confronting Willie): You deliberately write bad reviews about my family run farm, I can't do all the jobs in one sitting as it's a working livestock site so what do you expect?! And some of my family members are busy with other things on our Longdown Activity Farm. We've been running for generations since my 'Ma and 'Pa's parents started dairy work here.

(Both men brawl around the soft play area with Headteacher Seymour Skinner moving the children to a different area of the Longdown farm)

Caretaker Willie: The facilities are old and run down. It seems they just take the money and leave everyone to do their own thing. The cafe is a total joke. I have never seen anything like it in my life and am surprised it's even legal. They really need to clean up their act if they want to keep taking money from people. I get this is a farm but nowadays other companies have upped their game and this seems to have been left behind.

Farmer Brian (showing Willie the students working in the ducks arena): It is a semi working farm, with educational links to Brockenhurst College, so there's a student presence helping with the activities and jobs on the farm.

Caretaker Willie (bad tempered): Your tractor is just an old Ford with a dodgy paint job to look like a John Deere!

Headteacher Seymour Skinner (gives a raving review to counter Willie's negative arguements): But I thought they could do a bit more to encourage the younger children. Little Ralph Wiggum was very unruly wanting to run around and was screaming, but we managed to calm him down! When the baby goats came out Ralph was mesmerised, he loved trying to hold the bottle! We visited the animal encounter shed, which was superbly organised, we held a baby chick, which our pupils loved, then we stroked a rabbit, and then a goat! And we washed our hands again! The work they do at the farm for children, special needs and autism is wonderful.  
Farmer Brian should be highly praised for his hard work and dedication to the farming community that needs people like him. Farmer Brian is recognised for his work with children or people with disabilities and should be awarded for his efforts.

Farmer Brian: I am pleased to hear that you like the concept, and this is where we are different than most other 'Farm attractions' our visitors are still able to join in the feeding of real animals and have a very close encounter with them, to make a 'concept' like this work requires high staffing levels as well as costly feed bills, the farm is still a real farm, as described in all our publicity material. This is an idea age to introduce young children to the animals; hopefully you have some young farmers in the making!

Farmer's wife Dawn: I can assure you that Farmer Brian and all the staff at Longdown are awarded daily for their work with children and adults with learning disabilities, simply by the enormous smiles and comments from our very special visitors. Plus we also work with the Foundation Studies department at Brockenhurst College recruiting students as our volunteer farm heads.

Caretaker Willie: I have been to lots of Farms over the years & have enjoyed them immensely, but can honestly say this is the worst children's Activity Farm I have ever visited. It's in so much need of a revamp; all areas of the farm were absolutely filthy, from the pens the animals are kept in to the horrible portable toilets. How this can be a main attraction in the area, it is dreadful. PLEASE parents DON'T waste your money. You allow (BLEEP) 16-19 year old students to work on your farm, next time I'll give them a nasty taste of cold Highland steel with my school gardening rake!

\- SCENE STOP -

Four children are given a hen to hold under staff member Holly's supervision, explaining that the hen must be gently held with no sudden movements.

Holly: You must hold the hen very gently children; as they may peck you if you make any sudden movements, noises, shout or talk loudly.

Then the Springfield Primary School children are busy feeding some goats.

Farmer Brian: Who would like to see the penguins, children?

\- END OF LONGDOWN FARM SCHOOL TRIP SCENES -

The Simpson's house in the lounge room, Ralph is playing with building blocks with little Yasmin.

Bart Simpson: Ralph, you tripped over several times AND tried to attack the animals.

Ralph Wiggum (knocking building blocks over): Bart I keep telling you, THEY ARE EVIL COWS!

Lisa Simpson (building little Ralph a model for him): Ralph let me do my homework please, darling. (Then goes upstairs to her bedroom) You play and share nicely with some of my mum's childminder children.

Ralph Wiggum (throwing a tantrum): I already did mine!

Ralph Wiggum holds one of Lisa Simpson's documents he just scribbled on.

Lisa Simpson (reprinting to replace document scribbled on by little Ralph): Ralph you mustn't scribble on my homework, sweetie. Why don't I get some blank white paper for you to scribble on instead?

(Lisa Simpson finds some spare A4 paper for Ralph Wiggum who then leaves her to finish pieces of homework in peace, toddling downstairs)

Lisa Simpson (checking her homework over): Just the last few paragraphs. There's 10 pieces of essays done, ready to hand in tomorrow morning on Tuesday.

The dinner table with the Simpson family all except Bart.

Ralph Wiggum and Marge's clients' children are eating tomato pasta with grated cheese.

Bart Simpson (not being served): Hey! Where's my food?

Homer Simpson: Shouldn't you be at your house?

Bart Simpson: I AM at my house!

Marge passes Homer the landline phone with a very furious Clarence Wiggum waiting with a vendetta in his Ford Granada Mk2 Ghia X.

Marge Simpson (passing phone): Homer, I've called Constable Wiggum, talk to him.

Homer Simpson (on landline telephone): Hello?

DCI Clancy Wiggum (parked near Simpson house): Have you found Ralph yet? If you don't give me my boy back, there'll be hell to pay.

Homer Simpson (sniggering): Oh yeah, I'll send him right over, hee-hee!

DCI Clancy Wiggum (sternly): You better hurry; it's almost his nap-time.

Homer Simpson (shocked): What 4:00 in the afternoon?!

DCI Clancy Wiggum (on his smartphone): You know what Ralphie's like if he doesn't have his nap. He becomes a tantrum throwing terror and/or continues the naughty things he's not allowed to be doing.

Inside the Wiggum house around the hallway with Raleigh Chopper parked.

Homer Simpson: Okay you're home Ralph!

Bart Simpson: Homer I'm not-

Ford Transit Mk3 screeches away from the scene of the crime.

Sarah Wiggum: Bart Simpson?! Where's our Ralphie?

Bart: It's a long story; can I stay here a few nights? I'll explain everything.

DCI Clancy Wiggum: Sure! I guess it's okay?

Bart's (Old) bedroom

Ralph Wiggum: Mr. Bart's Daddy, I sleep with a night-night light on!

Homer (yelling at Ralph Wiggum): Well get used to not having one!

Homer slams the door on a frightened Ralph Wiggum who then cries until Marge checks on him and sees that he's wet the bed from being scared.

Ralph Wiggum (terrified in tears of the dark and wets his night Pampers nappy): Looks like new-mummy is going to have a lot of washing to do tomorrow... (Cries loudly in fright of strange environment)

Marge Simpson (seeing to Ralph and stays with him): Oh, sweetie. Do you want a potty in your room? A fresh pair of Pampers put on you? A soft toy?

Ralph Wiggum (as he points to wet patch on mattress cover): I wetted the bed with sour juice... as I was so a-scared of Mr. Bart's daddy...

Marge Simpson (cuddles Ralph Wiggum in her arms): This has my husband's name written on it. Homer, come here look what you've done to Ralph! I think Mr and Mrs Wiggum will be furious when they hear about this. This is why I never leave you alone with my childminder's clients.

The Wiggums 1982-1987 Ford Granada Mk2 Ghia X

Sarah Wiggum (in front passenger seat): Wait a minute… So you're telling me Homer adopted our little Ralph?!

Bart Simpson: Yeah, I've said it a couple of hundred times.

DCI Wiggum: Well, if we're ever to get our Ralphie back we're going to adopt YOU to do it!

Bart Simpson (in rear passenger area): Me?! What am I going to do?

DCI Clancy Wiggum (notices radio missing in his Ford Granada Mk2): You hotwired my car's official Ford radio to give your deadbeat dad Homer, our little Ralphie?!

Bart Simpson (shifty looking): Yeah, so you've got a problem with that?

DCI Clancy Wiggum (fuming at Bart): It is a 1993 Ford RDS 2006 cassette stereo I've fitted to my Granada Mk2 Ghia X, 23 years ago and I had it since then. You better get it back or I'm sending your father a bill; arresting you on suspicion of theft, child kidnapping and a charge for stealing car radios!

Homer & Marge Simpson's room

Marge Simpson: WHAT? You gave DCI Wiggum BART?!

Homer Simpson: No, Bart's in his room… At least I THINK he is…

Faint sound from Ralph Wiggum in Bart's room: I wet myself!

Homer Simpson (at the thought of changing Ralph's bottom): DO'H!

Marge Simpson (cross with Homer): Just change little Ralph. It's your fault for causing him to cry because YOU KNEW he was scared of the dark, you've yelled at him and still isn't very reliable for potty training at night! No wonder he's bloody terrified to sleep alone in our Bart's bedroom.

(Homer Simpson sulks as he changes little Ralph Wiggum and puts a fresh pair of Pampers on him before sitting Ralph on potty in Bart's bedroom)

Wiggums breakfast bar room with Bart Simpson and Ralph's parents.

DCI Clancy Wiggum: So, 'New Ralph'…

You see Bart Simpson dressed in Ralph Wiggum's clothes

Sarah Wiggum: We are going to get your stupid dad to trade 'Old Ralph' back.

Bart Simpson: But how?

DCI Clancy Wiggum: See these pills? They're memory erasing pills!

Bart: I see! We erase Ralph's memory of being a Simpson?

DCI Clancy Wiggum: Uh…Yes, we erase to when Homer saw me when I told him to look for Ralph…

Bart Simpson: And Ralph will be right in-front of him!

Sarah Wiggum: Exactly!

Both Clancy and Sarah Wiggum are walking upstairs, expecting to see Ralph still playing in his bedroom, as they are still coming to terms with the "Child Swap" mix-up. (An interesting blooper on the doors is they have numbers, Yale locks and letterboxes for some odd reason possibly to stop little Ralph going into rooms his parents don't want him going to at home).

Sarah Wiggum: Are you home, Ralphie sweetheart? Mummy's home!

DCI Clancy Wiggum (staring at stairs half expecting Ralph): Daddy just wants you home. Oh to hear your little voice and jumping into my arms.

Homer & Marge Simpson's bedroom-Midnight

(Pink Panther theme music in background)

Snoring sounds from Homer

Bart Simpson: (Dressed like a ninja, whispering): Here's your medication from doctor Bart for kidnapping Ralph Wiggum!

Bart puts one pill in Homer's mouth and he swallows it.

Bart Simpson (laughing evilly): Heh he ha!

Bart sneaks out, while Clancy and Sarah Wiggum are asleep.

Homer Simpson wakes up after a nightmare.

Homer Simpson (shouting out): I got to find Ralph Wiggum!

Bart Simpson's old room

Homer Simpson (finds Ralph Wiggum): There he is!

Ralph is lightly snoring and twitching in Bart Simpson's bed, even though his temporary room is too grown up for him amongst the computer game systems, discarded clothes, shoes, personal computer and DJing decks.

(Homer Simpson's Ford Transit Mk3 L car with Bart and Homer getting in)

Ralph Wiggum is still asleep unaware he's actually weeing in Homer's arms as he's put in the third front seat.

Homer Simpson (touching wee on Ralph's legs): Wow! Heavy sleeper and a wet one too…

DCI Clancy Wiggum's Ford Granada Mk2 parked at the nearby high street with a generic LTI 2002 London Taxi behind it and a takeaway.

Homer knocks on driver's door with Ralph in front of him, Clancy answers.

Bart Simpson: Wha-t?*Rubs eyes* Dad?!

Homer Simpson: Bart? C'mon we gotta return Ralph!

Homer throws Ralph into Clancy's arms, he is still asleep.

Homer Simpson: He sure is a heavy sleeper…

Bart Simpson (feeling drips in Homer's hands from Ralph's nappy): Wet one too.

DCI Clancy Wiggum: Ralphie, is that you sweetheart?

Ralph Wiggum (whimpering as he wakes up): Daddy I'm here...

DCI Clancy Wiggum (lovingly whispering as he belts his little boy Ralph up in car seat next to him): Shhh, Ralphie go back to sleep darling.

(Scene returns to Homer's Ford Transit Mk3 L car driving back home)

Homer Simpson: What the… where's 'New Bart'?

Bart Simpson whispers another lie pretending the "Child Swap" reality show mix up didn't happen.

Bart Simpson: Uh, you didn't replace me; we just um…picked me up from Milhouse's house. I am your son for god's sake

Homer Simpson: Oh…

Ralph is safely at home with his father's Ford Granada Mk2 parked outside.

Ralph Wiggum (cuddles up to his father being carried): I love you, daddy.

Child Swap director: Well that wraps up an eventful edition of "Child Swap" on Channel 4. See us next time at 9:00 pm when more families swap children for two weeks!

THE END


End file.
